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It takes a dream to get started, desire to keep going, and determination to finish.
—Eddie Harris Jr.
A year before I released a book in 2020 called The Relay, its completion was never more in doubt. To say I've never been bombarded by more waves of discouragement from every side simultaneously is no understatement; I'd rank it the most discouraging season in my life.
In fact, when my car overheated out in the country late one Friday night for the third time in 24 hours, I couldn't call for a tow because my phone was broken. And even if I could have, all my credit cards had been locked after being hacked, not to mention a whopping unexpected bill waiting on my desk at work.
For some reason, all the external junk brought to the surface months’ worth of self-doubt and hard-core second-guessing, all centering around this book. The sole journal entry for that week said it all: “All this [writing] is a complete waste of time, it doesn't matter whatsoever."
Yes, I'll confess, I had conquered the "dream to get started" part of Harris' quote above, but the "desire" and "determination" pieces had all but disappeared, and I mean it.
I did manage to get my car up and running after some tinkering, at least long enough to make a quick stop at my office to pick up that whopping unexpected bill before heading home. It was well past midnight, and since I was the only one in the building, I have no idea why I shut my door behind me for all of three seconds. I never do that, but that night I was glad I did because as I turned to leave, a poster normally hidden behind my door came into full view. Apparently, my daughter Sydney felt an overwhelming prodding come over her to write me a word of encouragement earlier that day:
“DAD—KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ARE DOING MATTERS!”
Unbeknownst to her then, I had previously offered up a day’s worth of what I call “empty-handed prayers”— those very few and far-between moments of complete surrender, when everything I am and all that I have was on His table—and He knew it, because He knows me intimately.
“Father, all I have is on Your table. If there is anything in my life that is keeping my affections away from You, do with it what you may. Please make it painfully obvious what You would have me do. It would be really nice to hear from You sooner than later."
I was fully convinced The Lord would prod me not to publishThe Relay. Almost like it had become an idol in place of Him, and therefore needed to be surrendered.
That might not make sense to some of you reading this, but just imagine if you had a decades-long dream in the making—an endeavor you had put your hand to with zero intention of ever turning back—that you felt led to lay down moments before its completion.
That was my headspace then. It was terribly saddening, and I felt confused. But something had to give. I was worn out.
Sydney's scribbled note—“Dad, know that what you are doing matters” made all the difference in such a way I cannot explain. They were the exact right words I needed to hear at the exact right moment. Those eight words gave me all the confidence I needed to proceed. In hindsight, it seems as if The Lord put a test before me, waiting until I placed everything on the altar before giving any confirmation.
As Christ would have it, He captured an unsurrendered corner of my heart while allowing me to complete my book at the same time.
G. K. Chesterton once wrote:
Fathers, you may be facing a trial or challenge like nothing you’ve ever experienced. The tank is empty. You’re spent. Asking yourself “Is what I’m doing making a difference anyways?
Sure it does. It matters to your family.
Take heart, knowing that many of the difficulties you are facing are not because you’re doing something wrong, but simply because you’re doing what is right—what matters.
To summarize many of the Apostle Paul’s writings: “Press on!”
Because There's a race not only to be run; there's a race to be won!
